Life is a tangent to the curve of our expectations. Curves are what I like, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, in this world of curves and dead-ends, the only way to stay on the right tract is to distract. Well, truly speaking, the philosophy of distraction is profound, but will talk about it later. For now I must talk about the apple. The story of the apple is as old as baba Adam. The apple was the first fruit that the human being tasted. That’s why they say in English ‘A for Apple’. Well, intelligent readers know that after ‘A for Apple’ comes ‘B for Boy’, and that was what baba Adam realized he could produce only after eating the apple. So, the apple is central to human existence. Had there been no apple, we would not have existed, and this groundbreaking research on the importance of the apple would have never taken place.
Speaking about baba Adam and babe Eve: Soon after eating the tasty apple, baba Adam realized that babe Eve looked even tastier. So babe Eve, clever that she was, confused baba Adam by cloaking herself in the most distasteful leaves of all: the banana leaf. The first love song was sung around the apple tree, and that forms the inspiration for the zillion Hindi movie songs that are filmed around trees. God saw babe Eve dancing in designer banana fashion wear, and like the censor committee, he too was appalled to the core. He realized that his apple was gone, eaten and that too by baba Adam. God, like me, too likes apples. He was quite annoyed, so much so, that he put an apple in man’s throat, and banished him from heaven. It is this very apple that all my classmates looked forward to in high school. Apple as a synonym of desire: apple is central to the concept that is the human being!
I like apples; an apple a day keeps the doctor away, though I would urge the unmarried women to keep the apples away, so that they can meet me some day. Only if I meet them, they can make me the apple of their eyes. There are some women who tried to make me the grapes in their eye: some left saying that the grapes are sour; others said they prefer wine, and would return to savor me when I become old and fine. Apple, launched in some year around the period I was born, revolving in space, miles away from the beauties. I keep falling, though I never reach them; if the moon couldn’t complete its free fall, how can I. But I do hope that I cause some tides of emotion in those unreachable apple pies. Apple pies are sweet, and sultry and tasty and inviting and no other pies can match them. Not even the American pie, for which Madonna re-sung bye bye Miss American Pie, and two movies came and went, without a real punch; for the real revelation would be a movie I produce some day, aptly titled Apple Pie, starring none other than Preity Zinta who hails from the apple valley from my apple state (though we are not related!).
The apple that fell on Newton led to the brainstorm, though I doubt that story too. I sincerely think that a bird that was eating an apple dropped the final product on Newton who was so aghast that he set out to find out why the thing hit him in the first place. Had an apple fallen on him, he would have just eaten it and that would have been the end of the story. Agreed that Newton was a genius, and that’s precisely why he would have ended eating up the apple without bothering so much about why it fell. The apple story cannot be true on other account too. I have often stood under apple trees, but in the two decades of my existence on this planet, no apple has ever fallen from a tree on my head. But, from years of data collection and experience I know that the probability of a bird throwing the paint on your face is quite high; but an apple falling on the head is as low as finding a Hindi movie heroine fully clothed. Be it the monsoon or snow, the heroines have enough courage to avoid covering their cold-proof, water-proof skin. Anyhow, I have now dropped the idea of being another Newton and have instead picked up an apple.
We have come a long way from the first day of humanity on this planet to the present moment, and the apple is still there. When people started creating this virtual habitat, they called the computers "Macintosh", another world for apple. I still prefer the apple, but apples are not that easy to get. At least in India we get apples only in one particular season when someone brings a peti home, as a gift. Government officers have their own sources of apples, and believe me I have always benefited from this apple culture. But while the apple is rare, apple cider is available more often, and so is HPMC apple juice. HPMC apple juice has the merit of tasting like the tonic that they gave my sister to kill worms in her stomach, and I drank it thinking it was apple juice from HPMC. Well, that was the turning point in my life, for that tonic drove the thriving population in my stomach away. Moreover, I realized that the world is not as it seems, and we must not take for granted what we are told. Around the same time, I had another heartbreak when I learnt that the earth is not shaped like an apple, but like an orange. I still doubt it though, because the orange has no historic relevance whatsoever. Believe me, if you prove that the earth is indeed shaped like an apple, the Nobel Prize is the least you can expect.
Get real. Find your apple today. Or find your Eve who can lead you to the apple. Sit under an apple tree — perhaps some apple will fall on your head someday. Maybe you have had an apple fall on your head in the past, and in that past you were the apple of everyone’s eyes. Your reading this far reminds me of another apple story, an unfair conclusion to your swallowing my apple fairytale: one rotten apple spoils the lot! Anyhow, that rotten lot later becomes fine alcohol, as tasty as wine. Wine: reminds me of more grapevine, perhaps I will weave that the next time. Meanwhile, eat an apple a day, and keep the doc away..!!
Posted in ShimlaHangout on October 15, 2002.